BETHESDA, MD – After President Barrack Obama’s first routine medical exam on March 1st, White House physician, Jeffrey Kuhlman found that the 48 year old was in “excellent health” and “fit for duty.” What Kuhlman did not divulge was that the President had been experiencing frequent headaches and dizziness. Afraid that these were symptoms of a more serious health condition, Kuhlman ordered a barrage of tests that were apparently performed in secret. “We did not what to cause an unnecessary panic among the American people before we knew the root cause of [the President's] symptoms,” explained Kuhlman during a press conference at the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, MD on Thursday.
It seems these tests were performed in the locker rooms at several country clubs which would explain his 32 rounds of golf played since taking office which is eight more rounds than his predecessor, George W. Bush, played in his entire eight years in office. “I knew there must have been a logical reason for Barack’s apparent fondness for the empathic-less sport,” remarked illogical filmmaker Michael Moore.
Like the tests, the results, which showed a final diagnosis of “moderate dyslexia and mild ADD”, were also to remain secret. However, the mental health issues of the President were leaked after professional golfer Tiger Woods, whom Obama had personally confided, sent hundreds of text messages about the Presidents problem to his entire contact list, perhaps to “deflect the spotlight from his own problems,” speculated Charles Barkley, retired NBA player and Wood’s friend, in a disappointed tone.
“I believe this explains much about our President,” surmised conservative radio personality Willy Cunningham, “It is obvious that he misread JFK’s famous quote and has instead been asking ‘what else can the government do for the people’. I was wrong, I thought the guy was a socialist, not a mental retard. I feel sorry for him, but I have much more sympathy for us.” The diagnosis does explain much about our 44th (ironically a dyslexic free number) president. Below are some “Common Characteristics of Dyslexia” thanks to the Davis Dyslexia Association International website:
- Appears bright, highly intelligent, and articulate but unable to read, write, or spell
- High in IQ, yet may not test well academically; tests well orally, but not written
- has poor self-esteem; hides or covers up weaknesses with ingenious compensatory strategies
- Difficulty sustaining attention; seems “hyper” or “daydreamer”
- Strong sense of justice; emotionally sensitive; strives for perfection
- Has difficulty telling time, managing time, learning sequenced information or tasks, or being on time
- hears things not said or apparent to others
Kevin Kopp @ April 29, 2010
An unnamed representative from Progressive said that as far as he knew, his auto insurance company “has never paid out an oil-change claim.” The news of across-the-board claim denials for the most basic preventative care has reached Washington, garnering the attention of Congress and the nation’s highest office. While answering questions on Wall Street Reform on Friday, President Barack Obama said it was “disturbing and unfair” when asked his thoughts on the wholesale claim denials in the auto insurance industry. Senate Majority Leader from Nevada, Harry Reid, is demanding a Congressional Hearing and plans to subpoena the CEOs from major auto insurance companies. Congresswoman, Nancy Pelosi, from California’s 8th District, agrees with Reid on scheduling hearings so the auto insurance industry “fat cats will be forced to let us take a peek under their hoods so we can see what’s in it.”
When State Farm Insurance Actuary, Dennis Young was questioned on the ethics of his industry, the fiery Young exclaimed that “it would be ridiculous to cover such claims. Do you have any idea how expensive auto insurance would become if we had to cover everything. It’s called insurance for a reason, to cover the unexpected major loss, not the expected preventative maintenance” The outspoken Young continued, “Maybe the government can take over the auto insurance industry if they think they can make it more comprehensive and affordable. Good luck, retards!” Pelosi may agree, stating that “millions of jobs would be created” if such a take over would take place. National Institute for Automotive Service Excellence spokesman Andy Fields also supports such a takeover, “This would be a windfall for our ASE Certified Automotive Professionals. They could easily start charging 150 to 200 dollars for an oil change.”
The uncovered oil change seems to be the least of Bill Tomko’s problems and brings up perhaps another reason for supporting a government take over. Tomko has had several citations in the last five years including two speeding tickets, a failure to yield citation, and a misdemeanor DUI. If he gets one more ticket this year, there is a good possibility that Progressive may drop him. Says Tomko, “I can’t believe this crap, I can barely afford the 150 bucks a month I pay for full coverage now and they won’t even pay for an oil change. Now they might even drop me? What do they expect me to do, get rid of my Focus and go back to driving some crappy old used car?” If Tomko is dropped, he may be forced to purchase expensive high risk insurance from another company that still would not cover his right to basic preventative care or become one of the millions of uninsured motorists in the nation. It has become painfully obvious that the auto insurance industry is broken and it is going to take more than an ASE Certified Mechanic to fix it.
Kevin Kopp @ April 25, 2010